Kim Barthel: Calm is Overrated

Photo by Soheb Zaidi Unsplash

In a recent blog post, “Calm is Overrated” Kim Barthel writes about how quietness/stillness can often be misread as self-regulation, quoting Lisa Dion, “Regulation (of the nervous system) does not mean to calm; it means to connect.”

Kim Barthel, co-author with Theo Fleury of Conversations with a Rattlesnake: Raw and Honest Reflections on Healing and Trauma, is a well-known teacher and speaker with a private practice as an Occupational Therapist working with a wide range of clients, often where a complexity is involved. She is an Advanced Neuro-Developmental Treatment Instructor as well as a Sensory Integration instructor.

In her blog she wrote about the distinction between “calm” and self-regulation. She comments, “Our perception of what is occurring within a person’s inner life is highly subjective. A still, compliant body does not always represent a regulated organized internal experience. This individual can be frozen with fear with their mind being overwhelmed with stress and/or disconnection (disassociation), yet appear to be present,” whereas, in blended states of arousal, “such as occur in play, intimacy, arguments, and everyday experiences”, an individual can be activated with emotion but still remain connected to themselves and others, stating, “Feelings of joyous elation, intense disappointment, loss, anger and frustration are also places where we can connect and feel truly felt by another.”

In the article, Barthel discusses the shift in understanding over the last decade “away from the need for behavioural compliance and self-suppression to an appreciation for the importance of co-regulation for homeostasis (internal state of balance)”, noting, “When we show up in relationships with the intent to be present with another person, it can sometimes look messy rather than “calm” in its presentation.” As long as this “messy” is authentic and connected, it can serve to build relationship and security.

Within the common need to be seen, valued and met within our relationships, as the brain tracks for danger in the environment, if there is a sense that the person with whom one is interacting is exhibiting “disingenuous behavioural responses that are not congruent with a person’s inner emotional experience” our ability to trust and feel secure is negatively impacted. Barthel states that this is particularly significant in childhood, as our brain is developing, and that “it is the congruence of experiencing and feeling a full range of emotions in a safe, contained and authentic manner that prepares us for the management of our emotions and arousal states in our future relationships”.