Ways to Deal with Parental Pandemic Burnout
A year and a half into the pandemic, an article by Kendra Wilde in Greater Good Magazine address how parents can move beyond burnout, offering six helpful suggestions.
The author talks about how an extended period of hypervigilance when she was caring for three small children, led to cortisol failure and severe physical symptoms of distress. In order to be there for her family, she had to change her relationship with stress.
Her journey to recovery from parental burnout taught her many powerful lessons about resilience that she shares as we all transition into this next phase of pandemic life. “There’s a pull to go back to ‘normal’, high-speed living. And yet we’re still holding – somewhere inside – the stress and grief of this last year-plus.”
One thing she learned from her experience was that parents of kids with higher needs, as she was, experience more stress, distress, illness, anxiety and depression than parents of ‘typically developing’ kids. A study found that mothers of young adults with autism and behaviour challenges had cortisol patterns comparable to those of combat soldiers.
The stress of balancing the needs of immediate family, work, schooling for our children, extended family, community, was an impossible load, and well-being suffers even as the situation eases. She notes, “We weren’t exactly prepared for such a disruption – or the prolonged grief and fear that came with it…. Parents reported unwanted changes in weight, disrupted sleep patterns, and increased alcohol consumption – all signs that parents have been struggling to cope.”
We don’t have endless reserves of energy an burnout, defined by WHO as “a vital state of exhaustion”, is an actual and serious condition that can affect any parent: those with perfectionism/elevated control needs, limited resources, or lacking in actual support, are the most at-risk.
Start Where You Are:
· Take a mindful break, such as the “STOP” method:
o Stop
o Take a deep breath with a longer exhale. Dig your feet into the ground as you tune into your 5 senses.
o Observe what you are thinking and feeling. Then decide on the “the next right thing” and…
o Proceed with intention.
· “HALT” and ask yourself: “Am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired?” Address the basics!
· Practice a body scan, slowly focusing on each section of your body from the tips of your toes to the top of your head.
Recognize it is “Just That Hard”:
· Parenting is challenging at the best of times, and these have been exceptionally difficult times. Recognize that you aren’t doing it wrong. It just is that hard. Understand that shortcomings don’t have to be caused by you and your choices – there are circumstances you can’t control that exist outside in the world.
Reframe what it Means to Self-Care:
· Self-care is essential and it doesn’t have to be a big deal to be effective. Lots of research shows that small actions can lead to big change.
· The author started with a sticky note that had 3 small things she would do for herself each day, like:
o Grab some almonds instead of that muffin
o Look up and notice the sky
o Think of one good thing today and soak it in
· People’s self-care priorities are personal and may change from day to day, but the easiest way to develop a self-care habit is to attach tiny steps to your regular routine.
· Remember that every act of self-care contributes to your well-being and also to your child’s well-being. The author quotes Nim Tottenham, professor of psychology at Columbia University: “Do what you can to take care of your well-being, to make sure you are feeling safe, and to manage your own emotions in a healthy way. When you feel this way, that gets translated to your children in a powerful way.” Our children rely on our nervous systems to regulate their own. The author says she likes to remind herself that her own well-being is connected to her children’s, like wi-fi!
Abandon the “Cult of the Perfect Parent”:
· Don’t hold yourself to an impossible standard, despite the flood of parenting advice. The myth of the perfect parent is just that. A myth.
· A powerful antidote is self-compassion:
o Relating to ourselves with kindness and compassion
o Appreciating our common humanity
o Staying present and open to our pain and struggle.
· When we treat ourselves with the same kindness and care we would offer to a friend, everything changes.
Revive the Village:
· According to recent research, parental burnout varies by culture, with the highest rates appearing in countries that value individualism as opposed to collectivism.
· Open up a bit about your struggles to some you feel you can trust. We are not as alone as we often believe.
· Offer help. Simple gestures of kindness toward others give us a boost, too.
· Team up with a friend or a neighbour for practical and moral support. Join a group, start a group, or foster the connections you already have. We flourish when we are part of a community of sharing and mutual aid.
Seek professional help if you need it:
The author concludes with a final important caveat. “Self -care habits can protect us from burnout and bolster our well-being, but sometimes that’s not enough. When we are constantly overwhelmed, checked out, or burned out, it can have potentially severe consequences for our kids. We were designed to respond to stress, but not to remain stuck in survival overdrive. If you don’t feel like yourself, seek help. We are stronger when we raise our hands.”