Setting Loving Boundaries for Kids
Photo by Ryan Stefan
The Dad Central webinar Stop Confusing Discipline with Punishment: What Kids Really Need looks at how to set firm, loving boundaries that make your kids feel safe and respected.
Dad Central asks, “Do your kids push limits — and you don’t know how to hold boundaries without yelling or losing your cool?”
In this 20-minute episode of the Dad Central Show, Drew Soleyn and Ed Gough Jr. looks at how to establish mutually respectful boundaries with your children. Learn why following through on discipline builds trust, and discover practical tools to keep calm even when your kids push back.
The webinar explores:
Why boundaries are an act of love (not punishment)
3 powerful tools for positive discipline that actually work
How to repair relationships after conflict and reconnect with your kids
Soleyn talks about how, in his adult life, he has gained a personal understanding of how significant it is to establish clear boundaries for oneself, and also to be aware of other people’s boundaries. Helping our children develop boundary-management skills is a valuable life tool we can give them, in gaining an understanding of what healthy relationships look like. He argues that “structure builds safety, and safety is a building-ground of trust”. When you are able not only to set a limit, but also to gently, firmly and consistently hold that limit, so that your children know it is not going to shift and adjust, then they can build trust in you.
The second area of discussion is tools for positive discipline:
Using a calm voice: Soleyn suggests that this strategy needs to be paired with the calm body strategy to be truly effective. “The more that you can breathe first, before you react, when setting the limits, and can stay calm and quiet when re-establishing the limits, that’s really helpful.” Empathy, thinking of what it feels like for them (even if you don’t agree with their conclusions) helps greatly in getting to that calm place, he suggests.
The “when….then” technique: Setting an expectation, e.g., around children’s demands for inappropriate food requests, or screen time.
After a breach of expectations (e.g. child making a half-hearted attempt at cleaning up, and then wanting the set reward, e.g. of screen time): He references Dr Becky Kennedy, whose book, Good Inside, discusses how kids don’t want to misbehave, but misbehave because there is some unmet need inside, and that we need to know how to recognize and meet that unmet need. He says, “…repairing should things break down is crucial to rebuild that trust and reaffirm the safety and security of the relationship.”
Gough affirms the importance of reconciliation after a breach. He notes that he has ‘been involved with fathers who haven’t taken time to reconnect after the incident has happened and it has come back to haunt them.... These things happen. They’re bumps in the road. And if you just think about it, if you don’t make an effort to reconnect after the incident, how do you think your child’s going to feel?” He compares it to a workplace situation, where someone has been told off by their boss, with no understanding of the employee’s experience. What feelings are generated in that situation if the experience is left unresolved. He offers some sample wordings, such as, “Hey, I’m really sorry about what happened back there. Yes, I felt frustrated because you didn’t follow the rules, but I also said something that I shouldn’t have said, and I want you to know that I’m really sorry about that, can you please forgive me?”
Soleyn concludes, “It’s actually unkind to your child and actually disrupts their sense of security. If you can’t consistently hold that boundary if you’ve established it, they get confused.”
He suggests determining where the important boundaries lie, and why you are setting them, then engaging some support (partner if you are in a relationship, or a parenting expert) and, if you are co-parenting, agreeing on the boundaries with your partner so there is consistency between you, which is critical in minimizing push-back when it comes to discipline. He stresses the need for clarity of why the rule is important for the child’s safety and emotional development, which will make it easier to calmly and firmly hold the line against pressure. This clarity will also make it easier to see when limits need to evolve to respond to the child’s increasing maturity over time.
The presenters express the hope that, “whether you’re a new dad or a seasoned parent, this episode will help you discipline with love, consistency, and calm leadership”.